


Heavy Dirty Soul

by LocalVodkaAunt



Category: One Piece
Genre: Ace fucks up big time, Angst, Gaming AU, M/M, Masturbation, Sexual Harassment, mistakes and responsibilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 12:34:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16387826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LocalVodkaAunt/pseuds/LocalVodkaAunt
Summary: The urge remains and he finds himself composing endless letters of apology in his head. He is not a good writer and he has never written a letter in his life, but now he scribbles notes on pieces of paper he leaves lying all around his room."I’m so sorry," they all say, "I wish there was something I could do to make this right, I wish I could take it back."Some say "I have been dreaming of you sometimes, though I didn’t admit it and it got out of control."Some, the ones he writes late at at night, when he feels lonely despite knowing he isn’t, when the silence rings too loud in his ears, just say "I miss you."In which Ace fucks up and tries to make it right again.Please mind the tags, folks!





	Heavy Dirty Soul

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the prompt: _"We’re guild mates in a mmorpg and I’ve only ever heard your voice and I may or may not have jacked off to you just talking while I had my mic off. And now I accidentally forgot to turn it off and you heard me breathing hard moaning your name as I came on myself" AU._
> 
> I wanted to write something about complex emotions and weird shit people do and it ended up like this.
> 
> The title is of course originally a Twenty-one Pilots song.

Ace would be lying if he said he didn’t count down the minutes until the end of his shift. When the clock finally shows five, he all but jumps from his seat, and heads for his locker to change as fast as possible. Barely waving his colleges goodbye, he’s out of the fire station barely two minutes later, walking fast in the direction of the subway. It’s not always like this. Usually he takes his time, finishes the conversation he’s in or hangs back a little to chat with the next shift before heading home.

__

He likes the people he works with, he likes his job, but since The Grand Line came out a few weeks ago he wants to get home as soon as possible to play through the exciting new adventure he has waited for almost two years.

 

He signed up and joined a guild. Since then his days off are never boring. Sailing with him through the open world of the MMORPG was his little brother Luffy who lives in a village in the east and formed his own crew in the game, consisting of a few friends of his, Ace, who prefers to only team up when it’s absolutely necessary, and Sabo who switches between allying himself with one of them or the revolutionary fraction in the game world.

 

He made quick friends with some of Luffy’s crewmates, spends a lot of time with Sanji, who has the annoying habit of chatting up every female character he came across but is actually a really funny and kind guy. What began as them just meeting up for raids and game events soon became some sort of casual hang out, voice chatting while they do paperwork or random stuff on the internet. The easy companionship with the others brightens his day and he finds himself looking forward to being at home more than he has before.

__

But the reason he became really invested in The Grand Line is Sabo. He has never seen the other man outside of their gaming sessions. He only knows his voice and his character, who looks like right out of a steampunk comic, complete with a walking cane, goggles and top hat. Ace finds it oddly endearing. They went on a few raids together before they started to meet up on their own, to quest, trade or train their characters. He is kind of a political activist in real life and, as far as Ace could gather, round about his age. But that’s everything he knows about the other man.

__

The times they spend alone in the game are the best in Ace’s week, not only because Sabo has the same fierce urge to be free and live his best life, but also because he has the hottest voice Ace has ever heard.

__

If someone told him before he could get hard by listening to someone trash talk in a video game, he would have laughed at them. Maybe asked them how old they thought he was. 

__

Until one day, he and Sabo were looking for some pretty epic loot. It took them a few hours, but when they finally found it and Ace had opened the chest, when Sabo made  _ that _ noise.

__

It was half moan and half joke and Ace knew it wasn't meant to be serious. He knew. It was just that the knowledge didn't reach his gut, which clenched and he felt his face going hot at the noise. 

__

"God, baby, you're so beautiful," Sabo murmured. 

__

The rational part of Ace's brain knew that he meant the weapon they just found, a beautiful short sword made of infused steel. But there was a voice nagging at his thoughts that asked him how it would be to hear Sabo whisper it in his ear, while he leaned over him seductively, hands trailing down his chest…

__

Since then it has only gotten worse.

 

As they spent an increasing amount of time together, Ace found out that he actually could hear Sabo smiling when he said something funny, or how his breath hitched just a tiny bit before they got in a fight. He listened to him describing his best friend Koala and his warm timbre made Ace want to curl up with him and a blanket and forget that the rest of the world even existed.

 

Then there is angry Sabo. Ace learned quickly that Sabo has an incorrigible sense of justice and cannot bear to see someone treated with disrespect. So in the few weeks that they knew each other, Ace has come to listen to a few of the activist rants Sabo has to offer. The topics range from the accessibility of trains to dismantling capitalism. They are usually quite long and almost always Ace gets achingly hard while listening to them.

 

He doesn’t know what makes them so attractive, all he knows was that hearing Sabo all excited and undone, sometimes breathless from talking too much too fast, did something to him. The first few times he let it pass, but then, on one particular night a few days ago, his co-player was more enraged than ever, and he talked for what felt like an eternity. Not because Ace didn't want to listen to what the other had to say, even if he didn't care one bit for politics, but because his erection just wouldn’t vanish, no matter how hard he tried to think of something boring, or disgusting. Finally, without him really noticing it, he had begun to move his hips on the chair, in a desperate search for any kind of pressure or relief and that was when he finally snapped. With one resolut flick of his wrist, he muted the microphone on his headset and touched his waiting cock.

 

It took only a few strokes of his hand to come all over his keyboard like a porn-addicted teenager.

 

When he came down from his post orgasmic high, Sabo was still talking, and he felt ashamed of himself.

 

It took the whole of the next day to convince himself that Sabo would never have to know, and so it was all good.

 

So Ace is really looking forward to talking to the other man again and firmly committed to keep his hands above his belt this time. He feels like a creepy stalker and a bad friend for not listening to his partner’s concerns or at least telling him off. So when he comes home that night, he takes the time to take a short but cold shower before starting his computer and logging into discord.

 

Sabo greets him with the same enthusiastic tone as he always has and they fall easily into telling each other about their respective days as they start the game and make their way to their meeting point.

__

From then on it it’s mostly smooth sailing like every time. Sabo has gotten into the habit of pointing out especially pretty parts of the level design, making them pause in between battles to look at the virtual sunrise to watch the especially beautiful animation. It is nice to imagine they actually are in the same city and taking a walk together through the surrounding rural areas. Ace asks himself if he would meet Sabo in real life if he had the chance.

 

But he doesn't find an answer, because then they get attacked by a hoard of seakings, which are the most fearsome creatures of the sea and have to fight for their lives.

After barely making it out, Ace hears Sabo yawn in his ears.

__

"I'm beat," he says. Ace sympathizes. The hard day at work took its toll on his body and he feels his limbs grow heavy and tiredness settle in his head. "Yeah, me too. Let’s stop for today?"

__

He hears his play partner hum approvingly. “Tomorrow's your day off, isn't it?" he asks. 

__

Ace nods until he realizes the other man can’t see him. "Yeah, finally. I've been working the evening shift for ten days now. I really want to see my friends again."

__

"So you got something planned for tomorrow then?"

They go on chatting for a while. Ace tells him about his plans to meet Thatch, Marco and Izou for a round of poker in the evening, and how he will not move out of the bed before that. Sabo returns the favour and tells him about the protest training he will attend at night, even though Ace has no idea why you would need training for holding signs and marching behind other other people. He tells him about Ivankov, the gender nonconforming chair of the local group, who reminds Ace a bit of Izou, or at least his preference for brightly coloured lipstick does. He's not sure if Izou would appreciate being associated with someone who thinks it’s appropriate to wear fishnet stockings in broad daylight, though. 

 

Then Sabo tells him he has found a copy of an old video game he used to play when he was little and despite the circumstances of how they met, Ace discovers a new side of him - nerdy Sabo. Ace and Luffy’s grandfather didn't believe in media, so for a long time video games were only a dream for Ace, and often he found himself lingering by the electronics store, pressing his nose against the glass asking himself when the day would come when he would have enough money to buy one game on his own. It took a long time between training with Garp, training with Luffy, and playing in the woods surrounding the villages.

__

So when Sabo describes the world of retro gaming to him, Ace finds himself listening intently and wishing he could see the other man, to sit next to him and take one of the controllers. He feels excitement tingle under his skin when Sabo sends him Youtube video of the lovingly composed eight-bit soundtrack. He settles down to listen to it and Sabo’s explanations simultaneously.

 

If Sabo never stopped talking, he thinks, it would be too soon. He lets his soft, deep voice wash over him and imagines him in his room. Sitting next to him, fingers flexing as he tells him about the technical developments that influenced the composer. Cramped in front of the small screen, their shoulders would touch, their heads close together. He could see him laugh up close. Not for the first time Ace wonders what Sabo looks like. Is he blond, like his avatar? With big eyes and a wide smile that shows teeth and brightens the room. Despite his righteousness, he is a happy and easy going person. They shared a lot of carefree evenings together, the unspoken agreement to leave out the worries of real life behind between them. If Ace could look at him now, would he the glint of passion in his eyes? Sometimes he wonders if it would be like looking in a mirror, his own boldness reflected in another person, the quiet understanding  to just live in the moment.

__

He pictures Sabo to be tall and lean, moving with a quiet grace that sometimes would be disturbed by a sudden awkwardness, an off glance to the side or a sentence uttered with too much confidence. Leaning back in his chair, Ace can’t believe he came from shouting at Sabo to  _ finally take out that damned tank _ to wishing he was here with him, face lit only by the dim blue light in front of them in the span of a few short minutes. He is taken aback by how intensely he feels, almost physically, like something is missing in that moment, like Sabo wasn’t there with him, talking even now. How he wants him here, close enough to touch, to get to know the edges of his face, the softness of his hair. How his lips feel against his. Would they be chapped or soft? When Ace moves to cup his cheeks, would he lean into the touch and deepen their kiss? He thinks about their tongues touching, hesitant at first, but then with more determination, wanting to get closer, closer, until he’d grip Sabo’s arms and pull him over to him. He imagines the other sitting down on his lap, how his thighs feel press against his.

__

He’s hard in his pants. Over his headphones, he still hears the real Sabo telling him about something, he doesn’t know what it is. He just hopes he made the right noises in all the appropriate places, encouraging the other to go on talking, intensifying his daydreams. Sabo’s breath in his ear, a soft moan when Ace runs his hands over his chest.

__

Without thinking about it, Ace’s hand slips under the waistband of his shorts, grabbing himself tightly. He doesn’t want to tease himself, he feels hot and needy. Sabo’s hips slightly rocking against his, hands under his shirt, pulling it up and over his head, feeling fingers on his bare skin. Hearing Sabo’s voice whisper sweet nothings into his ear, “I want you so much right now” and “I can feel how hard you are for me.” Opening the buttons of the others jeans, pulling down the boxers impatiently. His hands wrap around Sabo’s cock. He is moaning again, louder this time. It’s a sinful noise, throaty and hot and Ace vows to find every single thing that makes him sound like that. Gripping tightly and stroking him as he does in reality right now, with long, hard strokes, ignoring the dryness because he doesn’t want to get up and get the lotion he keeps inside his night stand. Feeling Sabo’s look on him, burning with desire and kissing him again, like he wants to devour him. The vibration of the other’s voice in his mouth.

__

Half feeling and half seeing him losing control above him, head thrown back, arms around Ace’s neck to stabilize himself, he pushes up into Ace’s hand as far as possible, his face torn from pleasure. He wants him inside so badly it almost hurts, and feels pressure building inside him as he thinks about how it would be, to be filled slowly, looking up and gazing directly into Sabo’s eyes, feeling him deeper and deeper inside himself. Pushing his hips up to get more friction, to make the other go faster, because he needs- he just needs-

__

Ace didn’t notice his climax building before it crashes over him, the pleasure washing away every conscious thought. Distantly, he can hear himself moan Sabo’s name, but he’s too far away to care, it feels too good.

__

He doesn’t stop stroking until he feels he has wrung out every drop out of himself. Then he slowly opens his eyes, he didn’t notice them falling shut and looks at the mess he made on his pants and desk.

__

He takes a deep breath. Time to clean up.

__

But before he can find the resolve to get up, he hears a voice close to his ears. “Err. Ace?”

__

Fuck.

__

Fuck.

__

Fuck.

__

“Fuck.”

__

The last time this happened, Ace muted the microphone beforehand but carried away as he was today, he just forgot somehow. And Sabo heard him. Everything.

__

He feels dread settle in his stomach, the kind of fear that comes with knowing you messed something up completely and can’t take it back. His throat tightens and he feels cold sweat run down his back. Now that it’s over, he can’t fathom why he even began in the first place.

__

For a second, the line he’s in stays silent. Then Sabo asks with a tight voice: “Did you just do what I think you did?”

__

And there is nothing Ace can say to that, because it’s true. He hasn’t really thought about it before, but now he has to imagine how this must be for Sabo.

__

Talking about something he was passionate about to a friend and then getting this turned around into something sexual he wasn’t a part of. Ace lets his head sink into his dirty hands. He just sexually harassed someone.

__

Feeling the tension between him and Sabo stretch out, he says the only thing that comes to his mind right now. “I don’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry.”

__

Sabo lets out a breath. It sounds a bit shaky, but when he finally speaks, his words come out clear and strong.

__

“Don’t ever talk to me again.”

__

Then the line disconnects, and some seconds later Sabo’s name disappears from his list of contacts.

__

The silence he leaves behind is deafening.

__

Ace sits on his chair and looks on the screen, his brain still struggling to comprehend what just happened. His hands are still sticky and there is a little pool of his own cum on the desk.

__

He feels disgusting.

__

Bile rises in his throat, threatening to make him vomit. He looks down on himself, swallows hard. Then, he gets up and cleans himself and his desk without allowing himself to think about anything at all, keeping his mind fixed on the task at hand. Get a towel, make it wet. Clean up your hands, your crotch. Clean the desk. Shut down the computer. Put the towel in the laundry, sit on the bed. Stare at the wall.

__

Stare at the wall.

__

Ace buries his face in his hands and asks himself how something that started so good could turn so badly. But he finds no other answer than that he messed it up. He can’t understand why he acted the way he did. It’s like someone else took over him, the person who decided to jerk off in the middle of a normal conversation feels not like him at all.

__

He looks at the clock and realized he has to go to bed. He settles down on autopilot, his mind still weirdly numb and slow, not able to process the events of the evening. He watches himself turn off the lights, and then he just lies there, in his bed, looking up into the dark of the room. He keeps still for hours, feeling the familiar sense of self loathing slowly taking over him as he realizes he has no one to blame but himself.

The next few days pass in a haze. He does the things he is supposed to do, cleans his room, meets his friends, does a few mindless quests with Luffy, but he’s not really into it. He still feels distant, his body just a shell that he moves around, forcing it to talk, to smile. Nothing feels real.

At night he stares up at the ceiling and thinks of all the ways he could have handled this, falling asleep only in the wee hours of the morning with the sinking certainty that there is nothing he can do to change anything.

__

He wants to apologize to Sabo, but the other man blocked him. He still has his email, but he knows it would be inappropriate to use it, and if Sabo would have wanted to hear what he had to say he would have given him the opportunity. But the urge remains and he finds himself composing endless letters of apology in his head. He is not a good writer and he has never written a letter in his life, but now he scribbles notes on pieces of paper he leaves lying all around his room.

_ I’m so sorry _ , they all say, _ I wish there was something I could do to make this right, I wish I could take it back. _

Some say  _ I have been dreaming of you sometimes, though I didn’t admit it and it got out of control. _

Some, the ones he writes late at at night, when he feels lonely despite knowing he isn’t, when the silence rings too loud in his ears, just say  _ I miss you. _

__

And he does. He didn’t realize it before, but Sabo has become an important part of his life. He misses the actual time they spent together, sailing over the grand line in the game they play, but also his voice, and his chatter, the cluster of weird jokes and facts Sabo tells him when they just talk. How he would file things away in his head, knowing he could write them to him later, or tell him when they spoke next.

__

He tries to tell some of them to Sanji. He watched a video of someone programming “What is Love” into a Gameboy color, but Sanji just laughs and says: “You are such a nerd.” And then they go and bust some virtual ass.

__

It’s a kind of lonely. Ace didn’t think he would feel ever again, being alone between crowds of people.

__

It’s silly, seeing as there are people all around him. He spends his day with his coworkers, Thatch and Izou, the nights with the crew from The Grand Line. There is lots of laughter and he makes sure to fill in the pauses with music, thick and fast beats that he turns up until his phone won’t go any louder and he can’t hear himself think anymore.

__

He feels time blend into a week.

__

Sometimes he catches himself staring at the mail icon on his phone. Taps Sabo’s address in the search bar and then deletes it again.

__

He pushes away the feeling of remorse and just goes on.

__

A week becomes a fortnight.

__

Between his shifts at the fire station and gaming, he starts to plan his trip to the One Piece Con, a gaming convention that takes place in a town three hours away from him. He, Luffy and Sanji made the plans months ago and he finds himself actually look forward to it. He never attended a con before, he was never enough into anything to warrant a visit, so he lets Luffy’s enthusiasm and Sanji’s anticipation of finally meeting them all carry him away as he makes route plans and overnight arrangements.

__

He still looks at his friends list before he goes online and notices the name that’s missing.

__

But the glances are short, and the pain begins to feel dull.

__

He spends hours in conference calls figuring out the details of the trip with his friends, listens to Luffy shout: “We have to bring lots of meat!” a dozen times and Sanji trying to calm him down saying that yes, he will bring enough food for the trip and that they don’t have to worry.

__

Ace is not sure if he realizes what he’s gotten himself into, because Luffy and him sure eat a lot and his little brother refuses to eat any kind of vegetarian food except for sweets. He reminds himself that they will figure it out along the way, as things always are when Luffy is concerned.

They spend hours telling each other what they want to do once they get there, which panels to attend, whose autographs they want to get. What merch they would like. It’s good to not think too hard about everything, to just go with the flow, with his brother's laughter and Sanji’s outbursts.

__

When they finally meet, he finds out Sanji is physically aggressive and on a mission to feed Luffy whenever possible, so that by the end of their first hour together, Ace is sure his brother has found his new favorite person. It almost makes him jealous.

__

They spend the drive singing all time classic rock songs, refusing to let Luffy drive, stuffing their faces and eventually Ace falls asleep against the window of the back seat, feeling calm for the first time in weeks between Sanji shouting and Luffy hitting all the wrong notes.

__

It’s even grander than they imagined. Despite Luffy almost immediately running off to find some food, Ace takes a moment to just stand in the lobby of the big entry hall and watch all the people come and go. People with big bags pass them laughing. Cosplayers pause to get their photo taken. There’s music coming from somewhere. Signs indicate the different areas of the grounds, advertising different artists or events, like the cosplay contest.

__

He feels overwhelmed and unable to decide what he wants to do first. Then Luffy finds them again, a fist full of candy bars in hand, they look at each other and grin.

__

“Let’s go!” Luffy cheers and his enthusiasm is contagious. Simultaneously they take the first few steps forward, going straight into the crowd, not worrying about anything anymore and just following the flow of the afternoon. Sanji walks two steps behind them, silently cursing that he planned this trip with two disorganized idiots, but he follows them nonetheless as they take their first cursory tour through the compound.

__

There are traders everywhere. He will have never have the money, or the space, to buy everything he wants, shirts, fanart, action figures… it’s a lot. People are everywhere and he loses sight of his friends more than once, only to be guided back by Luffy yelling over the noise of the crowd.

__

Someone presses a flyer in his hand and he just takes in and shoves it into his pocket, too distracted to read it just now. He will sort through everything later, for now he just tries to file away every noise, look and smell to forget as little as possible, committing every glance to memory. 

__

Their first afternoon passes in a blur of running after Luffy, eating even more food (exploring makes him hungry, he feels like his stomach is a black hole that constantly demands for more nourishment), showing each other the best merch they can find. When evening comes, they settle down in a large hall where there will be an interview with the voice actors of the story NPCs. Ace immediately spots his favourite, the voice of Whitebeard, sitting in the middle. Looking nothing like the game character, the sound of his deep voice never fails to calm Ace down.

__

He could sleep for days when they finally return to their hotel room. His feet hurt, his ears tingle and adrenaline courses through his veins. Luffy is blabbering about all his favourite parts and how excited he is to try out the costume he bought first thing tomorrow. Sanji is reduced to tired humming. Ace has not felt this happy in months and when he slips into his sleeping bag, Luffy’s silent murmuring makes his heart swell. He is at the place where he belongs.

When he wakes up the next morning, he almost jumps from his bed from excitement. Luffy is already up and running around the room wearing the costume he bought yesterday, a red vest, blue shorts and a big straw hat. He looks reckless, adventurous even. “Let’s wake up Sanji and go!” he urges, bouncing off the balls of his feet. “I wanna see all those awesome cosplays at the contest. And some guy told me yesterday there will be a food cart with fried octopus!” 

__

“No need to wake me up,” Sanji growls from the second bed. “You guys could raise the dead!” 

__

He looks dead on his feet, hair disheveled and like he is ready to kick someone in the balls. Before they can apologize, he pulls a pack of cigarettes from somewhere and makes his way out of the room, still in the boxers and T-shirt he slept in. 

__

“Hmpf, he is no fun in the morning,” Luffy grumbles, but not for long. “But we gotta hurry up so we can go meet some awesome people!” Ace has to smile. It’s not that he is not enthusiastic about getting to the compound again, but Luffy’s energy and anticipation always are almost too much for him to handle. 

__

Almost. 

__

So he indulges his brother, grabs a towel from his backpack and goes to take a shower, so they can leave as soon as Sanji is done. 

__

As he gets dressed and looks himself over in the mirror to see if he looks actually presentable so Sanji won’t scold him, he notices a tiny slip of paper lurking out of his back pocket. 

Not remembering where it came from, he takes it out. It’s a flyer. The familiar landscape of Alabasta is painted on it. Big sand dunes, a clear blue sky, a few cacti scattered across the valleys. In the distance, the palace towers over everything, beautiful and majestic. The quest was epic, he can still picture all the details of the capital city, the hopelessness of the people who waited years for rain, the way he and Sabo celebrated when they finally beat Crocodile, the villain. It was hilarious. 

__

It’s an invitation to an exhibition, where concept art and a few models will be portrayed. For a second he imagines himself there, taking photos and sending them to Sabo to remind them both of the good times they had. But it just makes him sad, because they will never do that again and it’s his own damn fault. Leave it to him to ruin a perfectly good thing. He throws the flyer on the bathroom sink as he goes to join his friends, resolving to throw it away later.  

__

The image of Alabasta stays with him the whole morning. He can’t stop thinking about the stupid dance Sabo’s avatar did next to Crocodile’s dead body, about the cutscene showing the townspeople jubilating when it finally rained after the long drought, the way he and Sabo talked about what they just experienced, how deeply touched they both were despite it being only a videogame. 

__

Even Luffy’s excitement can’t reach him right now and between smiling and talking to his friends, he feels a frown on his face that creeps up on him every time the other two are not looking. The guilt is back and rests heavily at the back of his mind, whispering  _ how could you _ , _ you wouldn’t have reacted any other way, this is exactly what you deserve _ . 

__

He feels Sanji glancing at him on his right, but he tries to hold on to a cheerful expression carefully. He doesn’t want to dampen the mood of the others because this has nothing to do with them. He knows he has nothing to fear from Luffy, because his brother is distracted, but Sanji seems like the type to ask him about his mood, and he really, really doesn’t want to talk about it, because he is ashamed of himself. 

__

They watch the first round of the cosplay contest, which features an enormous amount of villain costumes, then go and have a break for second breakfast. Luffy acquires some of the octopus he wondered about earlier. 

__

Ace desperately wishes he had a pen, because he would like to get these thoughts out of his head, he wants to write out the sentences, all the I-thought-about-you-all-morning’s and I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-myself-anymore’s. He wants to have them on paper, so he can put them away in a drawer and finally be rid of them. But he hasn’t, so he composes the letters in his head again, getting ever more absent minded. 

__

After they ate, Luffy, who seems to be more perceptive today than when Ace saw him last, finally catches on. “What’s wrong with you, Ace? Are you still hungry?” 

__

But he is not, and he can’t work up an appetite either. 

__

“I just slept badly,” he answers, feeling guilty for lying. But he can’t imagine what Luffy would say if he told them the whole story. He is not sure if Luffy simply wouldn’t understand him or if he would be disappointed, but none of the possibilities seem good to him. 

__

In the end, he doesn’t know why he does it, why he gives in to the masochistic urges. 

__

“I think I wanna walk around on my own for a bit,” he states. Sanji looks at him suspiciously, but his brother just grins. 

__

“So we’ll just meet up when the second round of the contest starts?” 

__

He feels a bit mean for breaking up their plans for the day, but he really does want to be alone right now. Acting like he is enjoying himself when the opposite is true exhausts him.  _ Also _ , the voice of guilt in his head supplies helpfully,  _ he can see the exhibition without the others _ . He is not sure if he really wants to, but something seems to pull him there, he just doesn’t know if it’s nostalgia or the need to make himself suffer even more for something he can’t possibly change anymore. 

__

After they agree on a meeting place, Luffy pulls Sanji towards the artist corner, the attention already shifted to something cool he saw over there. Ace still stays put for a few minutes, letting his features relax, taking deep breaths. For a moment he wishes he was anywhere but here, where everything suddenly seems to remind him of Sabo and the adventures they had together. 

__

How he met him for the first time when he crossed the mountains that separated the single player tutorial from the PvP-area, where Luffy already made friends and introduced them. How the seven of them beat their first boss and most fittingly, a person passes him and has his action figure under his arm. The paintings and fanart he can see from the artists corner remind him of all the virtual miles of land they crossed together, and of the sea when they were sailing to their next destination. Sometimes he imagined how it would be if they were on a real boat, looking toward the horizon in search for real life adventures. 

__

He sighs and gets up. Maybe once he’s been there and acknowledged his feelings he’ll feel better. On shaky knees he makes his way to hall three, where the exhibition is to take place. 

__

Not many people seem to share Ace’s interest for Alabasta, and there are only a few scattered groups walking around between the partitions. He is greeted at the beginning by a live sized figure of princess Vivi, a character Ace always adored for her sense of duty and compassion. 

__

She, too, would judge him if she knew what was going on in his head. 

__

He wanders through the paintings mindlessly. A lot of them remind him of things Sabo said or trigger memories of what they talked about after. He looks at the characters he liked best, who sometimes visited him in dreams at night. How Sabo laughed about him for being head over heels for Pell, and how Ace ranted for seven straight minutes why he was the true hero of the quest arc. 

__

Despite delving into his memories, the art is some of the most breathtaking Ace has ever seen. He doesn’t know anything about traditional art, but he has seen his fair share of pictures and graphics on the internet, and the concepts that are presented here sometimes take his breath away. They are so beautiful, the landscapes are so vast that he feels he could actually get lost in them. Next to this, the world of the game almost feels small, even though it took him hours to cross the map on foot. He looks at Vivi’s silky features, painted in watercolour and sees her softness far more accurately represented  than any animation ever could. Crocodile’s first concept looks downright devious, he’s almost scared of it. Pells majestic wings against the clear blue Alabaster sky make his heart flutter. And despite being still sad, he is also grateful to himself that he took time to come here and enjoy the exhibition in his own time. 

__

He is almost ready to leave and quietly says goodbye to a especially beautiful painting of the royal family, as a girl steps up next to him. “ I always liked the king,” she says to him, as if they weren’t strangers that just happen to stand in front of the same picture. “He is just like in all the fairy tales.” She looks cute, with big blue eyes and red hair. On her head she wears some kind of puffy hat, that has goggles strapped to the cap. Her frilly blouse and incredibly short skirt make it seem like she is cosplaying, but it’s not one of the main characters, more like an original character or her own avatar. 

__

He doesn’t really know how - or if - to respond to her remark, so he just smiles and nods, hoping to indicate that he heard her but doesn’t really want to talk anymore. It doesn’t work out like he planned, she opens her mouth again, but before she can tell him something else, an excited voice shouts: “Koala, I was right, they have the blue prints here! There is a secret entrance to the palace after all!” 

__

Ace’s body reacts before his brain can follow. Goosebumps shoot up his arms and he stiffens completely. The air suddenly feels like it is pudding, and he desperately lacks oxygen. Terror settles in him. This voice almost sounds like… It’s really fucking similar to- 

__

A man steps up to them. His outfit matches that of the girl. He wears a big top hat that also features goggles, a long, blue coat that falls down to his ankles and a cane rests next to his feet. He would recognize that outfit anywhere. Hell, he’d recognize that voice anywhere. 

__

His heart beats wildly in his chest as he stands there and just stares at all the familiar details that still seem so strange to see in real life. The man chatters on without noticing him, but Ace’s eyes won’t leave him for a second, not even to blink. 

__

“...so it’s entirely possible to infiltrate the palace from outside without using too much force, having one or two inside people should be more than enough to open the secret passage from the other side so we can pass through and steal the weapons.” He finishes with a bold laugh. That is all the confirmation Ace needs. He feels cold sweat form on his forehead. It’s him. 

__

It’s really him. 

__

Sabo. 

__

The situation seems surreal, like he’s both in the moment and outside of it, looking at himself, all tense and gaping, but he still feels every fiber of his body going hot and cold.

__

Sometimes, before he fell asleep, he imagined this from happening, how Sabo, through sheer force of luck would live in the same city as him and they both would accidentally run into each other and Ace would finally get a chance to apologize… 

__

But now that it happens, he doesn’t know what to do. Or if he should do anything at all. 

__

The decision is out of his hands. The girl, from Sabo’s descriptions Ace assumes it is Koala, notices him staring and narrows her eyes sceptically. Even though she was so open a few seconds ago, something in Ace suddenly sets her on edge. Sabo notices his friend going stiffen besides him and follows her gaze back to him. 

__

He is undeniably hot. Like his avatar, Sabo has blond hair that fall into his eyes in long strands. This is where the likelihood ends though. A scar covers the left side of his face, searing the edges of his eye and makes him look just this side of dangerous, which contrasts this otherwise soft features well. He is even better in real life than Ace imagined him. 

__

Before Ace can get a closer look, the other man tears him from his thoughts.

__

“Can we help you?” he asks. The familiar voice sounds calm, but there is a threat lying underneath. And Ace understands, because to them, it must look really dubious. He is just a stranger, who has been staring at another guy for a full minute, gaping. 

__

He takes a deep breath in hope to slow down his roaring pulse. He will just say he is sorry, turn around and leave. This is not one of his fantasies, and they are what got him into this mess in the first place. He is going to let it slide and just go on living with himself.

But when he opens his mouth to apologize, all that comes out is: “Sabo…?” 

__

For a second, the other goes completely still. His face shows surprise and doubt before, after a handful of moments that seem to last forever, recognition settles over him. 

__

“Ace.” His voice still holds the same serenity, but it feels even more stale than before. Just his name. The silence that follows hurts in every part of his body, it burns through him like fire. He feels like this is his own personal hell. Sabo’s apathy hurts him more than anything else he ever experienced. He expected rage, he irrationally hoped for forgiveness, but hearing his former friend say his name without even a stir of emotion almost breaks his heart.

__

And then the words just break free from his mouth. He couldn’t hold them back if he wanted to. Like they are living beings they tumble from his tongue, desperate to be spoke, to be  _ heard _ . 

__

“Oh god, Sabo. I’m...I’m so sorry!” The last syllables rip themself from his throat, he spits them out like they were the poison that slowly killed him. It’s a relief, to feel them hanging in the air instead of them echoing through his head. The thrill is so exhilarating that the urge to say it again is overwhelming. 

__

“So. So. So. Sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I  never wanted to be so… gross….” He trails away, gasping for air, even though he didn’t speak for long. “I wish I had treated you better. Like you deserved for being my friend.” 

__

Sabo is still quiet. His expression seems carved in stone, he doesn’t move a single muscle. His big eyes taxate Ace, wander over his face, his hat, from his shoulders to his toes, but it’s impossible to say what he is thinking. At this point, Ace is glad he hasn’t been hit yet, even though he knows he deserves it. 

__

“Koala,” Sabo says eventually, “I’ll meet you in the coffee lounge.” 

__

At first, Koala seems to want to object, but as she meets the eyes of her friend, she just nods, crisply turn around and leaves. 

__

Then they are alone. A few people are scattered around the area, but none come close. It’s quiet in the gallery. 

__

“Yes, I did.” The voice cuts the silence like a knife. The calm is gone, it’s all sharp now and it cuts just where it should, right into Ace’s heart. 

__

“I know!” He can’t hold back the pleading edge draining his words. “All I ever wanted...Oh God.” Ace is stammering. His tongue won’t move like it’s supposed to, instead it lies heavily in his mouth. “All I wanted was you! And I messed it up. I only thought of myself- or, like, nothing at all.” 

__

It’s out now. What he didn’t even want to admit to himself. He had a crush on Sabo and his denial made him selfish. After all the excitement, shame finally, finally settles in. Compared  to his nervousness, it’s a well known if unloved acquaintance. “I wish I could make it up to you somehow,” he admits. “But everything I can think of is not enough.”

__

“I am not your plaything, Ace.” The tension is still there. But Sabo’s answer doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. Maybe it is the relief of saying what he longed to all those weeks. Of at least trying, doing something, anything, to right his mistake. 

__

“You never were,” Ace responds. And means it. For a few weeks, Sabo was everything. Everything but that. “I missed you. I wished everyday I would have been different.” 

He falls silent. He has used every word he had, every ounce of meaning. Every sentence scribbled on paper slips. There are none left. 

__

He isn’t sure if Sabo is going to reply. His face still betrays nothing as they look at each other, it’s as empty as Ace feels. Seconds stretch between them. Ace uses them to memorize every line and edge on Sabo, how he stands before him, tall and upright.The way his shoulders seem relaxed, though the rest of his body is tense. He is sure he will never get the opportunity again. 

__

“I accept your apology.”

__

At first, the words don’t register with Ace. They sink in slowly, oh so slowly, every letter at a time. But when they do, he feels his heart leap and a smile spread through his face. He tries to stifle it, because there is nothing to be happy about, there is only something to be grateful for. 

__

And he is. 

__

“Thank you.” 

__

None of them move. But there is nothing either of them can do now, just the undefined notion that this is not over yet, that there is something still to come. 

__

It’s Sabo who tears away first. “It was good to hear you say that. I’m glad I could have closure.” He takes a step back, looks at Ace one more time, almost wondering. “Goodbye, Ace.” 

__

Sabo’s eyes leave him as the other man turns around and he walks away in the direction of which he came. Ace’s sees his coat bulk behind him. His knees are weak and his heart gives a tiny flutter as he stands there, watching Sabo disappear into the crowd, a strange mixture of relief and loneliness overwhelming him until his mind is clouded with it. 

__

Three weeks later, he sits in front of his computer, joining Luffy on a quest to break into the most secure prison in The Grand Line. His brothers makes fast friends with NPCs and other players alike and they are running through the dark and menacing hallways, killing the guards left and right, his brother shouting with glee. They throw themselves into the fight with abandon. Ace feels adrenalin pulse through his veins and feels reckless as Luffy cheers him on to try an especially daring attack on an marine officer. 

__

He bursts into flame and Ace just wants to let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, when he sees the notification that he received an in-game message. Normally he would just ignore it, but something about the lettering seems familiar, so he looks up and sees it. 

__

Sabo’s name. 

__

On the screen, his character dies and Luffy howls in his ears. But he doesn't care. Using the time he just won, he opens the message with shaky fingers. It is short. 

__

_ Alabasta Palace. Tomorrow, eight p.m.  _

__

And Ace already knows he is going to call in sick at work tomorrow. Because there is no way he is going to miss this. 

__

He writes the sentences on discarded pieces of paper. Old shopping receipts, letters he doesn’t need to read anymore. He leaves them lying around for a few days before he puts them in a drawer with the others, so many that he needs to tidy up another one for them. 

_ I wish I could see you again _ , he writes.  _ Sometimes I still dream of you. _

__

He never tells anyone about the paperslips. Just collects every single one carefully, like they are a treasure he has sworn to protect. They keep his daydreams at bay and his mind at ease. He writes down everything he ever wanted to say to Sabo, everything he will never have the opportunity to tell him. 

__

_ Every day I’m a little bit more in love with you than the day before.  _

__

They still talk until late into the night. They still go on quests and Sabo hasn’t stopped pointing out the most cheesy places. But now it warms Ace from the inside out, he listens to every word, memorizes the way Sabo’s breath catches when they discover something new. He learns about politics and follows every syllable as he tells him how he got arrested at a demonstration. He is still grateful for every minute. 

__

It’s been months since they raided Alabasta when he finally lets go of the fear to mess up again. He opened up a third drawer. The paper slips turned to whole letters. If Dadan could see him now, she would laugh at him, with a heavy hearty laugh that would make him cringe in embarrassment. She would also pat him on the head and tell him how he still needs a lot of practise before he’d stop sounding like a little wanna-be stinker. And she’d be right. 

__

That night, after he ended the call, he gets out his writing utensils. He bought a binder and smooth blank paper. The pen slides over the page effortlessly, words now forming before he has to think about them. And even if they still sound unsteady, as if they tumbled right out of his mind and he can’t quite catch them, they feel like the end of a long story. 

__

_ There are still so many things I wish of you _ , they read when he puts them away with the others, the thick cardboard of the binder weighing heavily on the desperate notes he left for himself so many weeks ago. _ But if we stay like this forever, it will be enough.  _

__

It’s late and he is tired. One of his coworkers got sick and he had to take her shift, making him stay at the fire station for fifteen consecutive hours before he fell asleep on his food and his boss sent him home. Nothing matters anymore, he just wants to collapse on his bed. The boots he kicks off stay in the middle of the hallway and he leaves a trail of clothes on the way to his bed. He doesn’t care. All of this are problems for another day. When his head hits the pillow it occurs to him that he didn’t even turn on the light. 

__

It’s of no consequence. He closes his eyes, feels exhaustion overtake his body and pull him into a deep and dreamless sleep. 

__

His phone rings. 

__

Wanting to ignore it, he presses his hands over his ears, but its still vibrating against his leg, because he didn’t bother to take off his trousers. Cursing, he fishes it out of his pocket. 

__

It’s Sabo. 

__

He doesn’t have the heart to refuse the call, but whatever his friend says passes him by in a blur. His brain doesn’t compute the words, focusing on the high and low of Sabo’s voice instead. It’s not as good as sleep, but it’s quite relaxing, and hearing the other talk always makes him happy these days. So he listens and is silent. Until the moment, when Sabo asks: “What did you think about?”

__

He startles, his mind searching for clues about the subject of conversation, but he finds none. Too tired to make up a good excuse he is just capable enough of grunting a “what” against the phone he pressed to his ear. 

__

“The night we fought, what did you think about while you were...busy.” 

__

In the end, Ace will never comprehend what happened in this moment. Later he sometimes thought it was the tiredness, or that he had a massive crush on his friend, or that he was just plain mad. 

__

But he tells him. 

__

When he is done, the line stays silent, and for a second Ace fears he has messed up again, feels the all too familiar feeling in his gut, the sickness, bile and dizziness, but then- 

__

“Fuck, Ace.”

Sabo is frustrated, Ace can tell. But there is something else in his voice that has never been there before, something he doesn’t know about the other man. It’s dark and it makes him want. He doesn’t know what, but he knows it’s something, anything. 

__

“God, Ace, if you had only asked, we could have done this a lot sooner.” 

__

He doesn’t really know how, he can’t tell why it happens now, but he just lets Sabo lead him on. 

__

Later, when he throws the phone on the floor and satisfaction weighs down his limbs, he wonders for a short moment what changed. But he doesn’t care, because right now, after everything he did and they have been through, he thinks this is the happiest he is been in his entire life. 

__  
  


The next morning, when he wakes, he uses up another paper slip, vowing to make it his last. 

__

_ Let me make it up to you every single day _

__  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
